Deadmau5's Fear

Hey everyone, here is a pretty interesting piece that Deadmau5 wrote about his own fears. I am c/p the link in this area but the link is at the bottom to the actual story.



Falling up

Someone once asked me to come up with a series of anecdotes or a couple paragraphs on what it means to be a celebrity… i sometimes wonder about that. Not that i lose any ****in sleep over it, but from time to time i stop to think about it for a second.



The term celebrity is clearly defined as a famous or well-known person basicly, but i think the word takes on alternate meanings to others, for me… it just means pressure. Every now and again i keep having these moments where im sitting back and thinking like i used to think back when i was a teenager, and looking back on it, i was never really under any abnormal pressure from anything other than the obvious “what am i going to do when i get older, how am i going to get through school, when am i going to move out of the house…” I didnt have some idea glued on my brain that i was going to become a musician, that was just my hobby. So, the pressure wasnt really anything out of the ordinary… still stressful at times nonetheless tho, but everybody gets that.



Things started to get a little scarier when i left my home in Niagara Falls to head up to Toronto and work for an IT company… as it should have anyway. My first apartment, so the pressure was doing well at work and making rent. I kinda blindly went into it really, learning my responsibilities as an “adult” on the fly… we all know they don’t offer courses on growing up and becoming independant, so i wasnt any different then the next little noob who left the nest.



Things seemed to be going okay, the dust settled and autopilot kicked in… the pressure was pretty much reduced at that point. I had gotten into the routine. getting up, going to work, eating lunch at bourbon st. grill, and heading back to work, finishing up, heading home at 6 or 7ish and then just milling away on the computer making weird little glitch tunes for a bit. Rinse, repeat, go get retarded on weekends.



fast forward 2 years later. Well, my contracts up… i’ve gotten a good taste of the grownup world, and im pretty sure i can handle it… so since im a free agent, i went back to niagara falls to live at home again and take a stab at possibly starting my own media design company… pressures back on. Got a few freelance jobs, a couple of regular clients, nothing that could help me drop a mortgage or anything… which started to corncern me a little… i wasn’t getting any younger, and alot of my friends more or less had some kind of **** locked down…or at least moved up the broken ladder of awesomeness in the ranking system over at the ****in parks commision or marineland. thumbs up



so yeah, that was kinda scary… and the pressure was back on… so it was time to sit down and write a list of **** i think im good at (or wanted to be). Of course music was in there, as was media design (flash, photoshoop, CSS, php, 3d ****) I wanted to be one of those really hip and trendy New York / SF coder / design gurus… like Eric Jordan or the badass himself Josh Davis… those were the kinda people i wanted to be, professionally speaking of course. I was practical enough in my desicion i suppose… i am / was too much of a pessimist to state that i wanted to be a mother ****in rockstar and make millions of dollars just making music and touring the world. I couldn’t / wouldn’t allow myself dream that big… not because i couldnt imagine how awesome it would have been, but only because i didnt want to see myself being 35 and still sitting at my moms house chasing that dream. The avoidance of failure was probably my biggest motivator at the time.



So, on my quest to develop “sick media design skills” i will say, i’ve learned alot about everything… design, programming, presentation… all while still whittling away on music to kill the time. Im not exactly sure what the definning moment was for me… but there was a bit of a paradigm shift when i found myself making music… for a company that sells music to TV commercials, website developers, and other dudes who didnt feel like paying $30,000 to liscense “whoop there it is” for their ****in tampon commercials or whatever. And, even though the money wasnt insane… i was having fun, and i was making music nearly fulltime now.



i’d love to write about the following year, but im still pretty bitter about it… so maybe it will come up in a book somewhere in the future… so here’s the tl;dr on that:



moved back to toronto, worked with someone, Chris Lake found me.



Chris had heard a couple snippets of some house (or whatever my genre is) tracks i’ve been toying about with, and was really keen on em… (i think it was faxing berlin) … this opened up a whole new world to me really… i mean, i didnt realize that people at the time were actually making a modest living off dance music alone, never have in fact. I always assumed that they all had day jobs, trust funds, or rich *** wives… i really did… because every musician i ever knew growing up still lived with their in parents or somewhere downtown with their girlfriend who’s been trying to unload them.



funny. alright, i figured i’d look into this a little more seriously, and see what pans up… well, talking to Chris got me talking to others, Max Graham was always a big supporter from the very begninning, in fact, he named “Faxing Berlin” over an aim conversation… he just didnt know it at the time :wink: and well, he was going to sign it and put it out on his new label ReBranded (which was a huge in deal for me at the time)… the deal was really insanely simple (as far as recording deals go) yet someone still managed to **** it up so terribly bad that it just completley put him off the idea alltogether, which i totally understand.



So… that kinda just came and went… so did the rest of that ***** year. so, i moved again, just to a different part of Toronto… started up a niche label on beatport called mau5trap! Of course, by this time, Pete Tong had been canning out “faxing berlin, not exactly” so the label was doing pretty allright… so now it was official. I started to accept and get a little more comfortable with the idea that i just might be doing this the rest of my life… but i still had no idea what to expect… and was still as pessimistic as always. But, realisticly it was looking safe, Nic Fanciulli and Zabiella were doing their one+one tour, and rinsing faxing berlin… then all of a sudden im googling myself… and im seeing this “deadmau5” guy being talked about a little bit here and there… all VERY underground… which is cool to the scenesters no doubt. Then along came satan… who is a ginger, and made me sign a management agreement.





nawwww… im kidding. It’s just Dean, people confuse him for beazelbub all the time… no seriously, it was a cozy little safe deal (for both parties) that was to just help me along the way, book me some shows, help out with the label… nothing insanely heavy… coz im sure for all he knew at the time i was just a flash in the pan… and for all i knew at the time i was just a flash in the pan… so im sure we were all pretty cautious… even though he’d probably spout off some bull
now like “I KNEW HE’D BE BIG” whatever dean… youre still the same dean i met in a ***** SHED near a horse pen in Kent… so calm down. (hes probably read this and shat himself by now)



So on came not exactly, arguru, the reward is cheese… (which by the way deserves a chapter all on its own, but im not fond of litigation so i’ll omit that as well) and well… the bookings just kinda came in… and next thing i know, is that im on flights to england, australia, malta… to be the support acts of some pretty big names at the time in EDM. So i think this is where the pressure started to kick in. It’s really a tough thing to be thrown in the same arena as some other people who are doing way better than you… I mean, **** yeah it’s exciting, but the expectations of you that you throw on yourself are bigger than anything you can imagine.



Cue my fear of failure… my first “show” ever… was headlinning the main room at Ministry Of Sound, in London… at the time, it wasnt really clear to me… but closer to the date, i was told that there are alot of producers who have worked / produced for years and years who haven’t gotten to that point. This was a royal head
for me… and i was a nervous wreck. I remeber getting up there that night, playing after nic fanciulli, shaking like a in leaf… praying my **** worked, laptop didnt crash, or just **** something up royally… it was really the “this is it” moment for me. baptism by fire no doubt. i will say now, ever since that show, i have never been nervous about performing again.



from that point on to this point, my life could be tracked online… it was just… more tracks, more recognition, and way more touring… with the odd bit of bull
and stuff in between. There really was a point in those years where i could have sworn my “celebrity” status was at the perfect level for me… i could still go to any given nightclub and have a great time with friends, not get bothered by press too much, nothing controversial going on, just chilling making music havin fun… and on the other side… while still having people turn up to events just to see me. It was amazing, and i really regret not being more relaxed about it.



now my life seems unreal even to myself… im sitting here typing this away, in a ***** gorgeous private villa in ibiza, you know, the usual… just working on some **** for MTV, hanging out with sweedish house mafia…tiesto, guetta… … like what the **** is wrong with me? how does anyone just get “used” to this …i can’t. i won’t. the only thing that’s keeping my feet on the ground right now is pressure. You know that feeling you get when people are watching you? yeah… well what if the feeling was justified, and you have nearly 1,000,000 followers on facebook alone, and 1.2 BILLION who are going to watch you on TV in 2 weeks time… i dont know how im able to cope with that kind of pressure…, how does anyone else cope with it? what about i dunno… the other guys in my feild… i don’t bother to ask… because i already know it has to be different for everyone. But for me… it’s scary as … the scary part isn’t the attention youre getting, the scariest part is the instilled fear of failure that i’ve had my whole life… and when you can’t live up to someones expectations, that classifies as a fail.



the only thing left to do is to try to ignore the fact that people expect things from you at this point… but again, it’s pretty hard to ignore a million people. It’s just a big head
for me… for the most part, i try not to let the pressure build on me to the point where i fumble around like an idiot… but thats just what happens. Remeber that Brittany **** when she went all ****in loco and shaved her head? yeah i thought it was ****in hilarious at the time too… but, thinking about it… i can totally see that as a direct result of just cracking under the stress… not to say everyone who’s under huge amounts of pressure and stress are ceceptable to flipping the **** out and shaving their head… but everyone has a breaking point… and i dont think i ever want to know mine.



So am i living a dream? or enduring a nightmare? I still can’t decide… because the last thing i want, or anyone else wants, is to just fade out into obscurity over a period of time and then end up **** on by the people who are near me now. Thats why i have “fail” tatooed on the inside of my wrist… has a very profound meaning to me. Well, this is the short of it…another day approaches, and the pressure is more prevalent then it was the other day… im trying my best.







[url]http://choleric-mau5.blogspot.com/2010/08/falling-up.html[/url]

Nice insight to his inner workings.



Has the word “fail” written all over it.

[quote]saulable (03/09/2010)[hr]Nice insight to his inner workings.



Has the word “fail” written all over it.[/quote]



I know…kinda like TuPac predicting his own death!

What’s this 1.2 billion stuff he’s on about? Is he playing in the superbowl or something?

I think it’s a metaphor Bouff.



Interesting read and I think he’s right about he fear of failure. It’s something that we all (or at least most of us) have. In a celebrity’s case it’s just magnified. If we fail it’ll be a relatively small circle of people who know about it and it affects. In theory we could avoid or move away from that circle to get away from the failure - if we wished to do so. I guess that’s a lot harder when the circle of people aware of the failure is so much larger.

FAIL





If you think about failure too much, by laws of attraction you will bring that into your life whether you want it or not.





“If you see it in your mind, you’re going to hold it in your hand”

Bob Proctor - The Secret



“You attract to you the predominant thoughts that you’re holding in your awareness, whether those thoughts are conscious or unconscious. That’s the rub”

Michael Bernard Beckwith - The Secret

for some reason i see MR Zimmerman always Hungry for attention. probably says BS or random stuff to excuse his immature behavior .

but oh well he is the man right now what i can say :stuck_out_tongue:

[quote]bouffont (03/09/2010)[hr]What’s this 1.2 billion stuff he’s on about? Is he playing in the superbowl or something?[/quote]



You didnt hear???



He is the official DJ/ or whatever for the VMA’s on TV. But I dont blame you. If my soon to be ex wife wouldnt have mentioned it to me, I would have never known either.

It does sound like he’s gonna self destruct one day

[quote]Mussi81 (03/09/2010)[hr]It does sound like he’s gonna self destruct one day[/quote]



Hes already started.

[quote]howiegroove (03/09/2010)[hr][quote]bouffont (03/09/2010)[hr]What’s this 1.2 billion stuff he’s on about? Is he playing in the superbowl or something?[/quote]



You didnt hear???



He is the official DJ/ or whatever for the VMA’s on TV. But I dont blame you. If my soon to be ex wife wouldnt have mentioned it to me, I would have never known either.[/quote]



Nope I didn’t know that. To be honest I don’t think I’ve even seen the VMA’s before. I’ve certainly heard of them though.



1.2 billion people watch that? Crikey!



I will not be one of them… I’ll be in a bar, probably wondering where all the girls are.

[quote]bouffont (04/09/2010)[hr][quote]howiegroove (03/09/2010)[hr][quote]bouffont (03/09/2010)[hr]What’s this 1.2 billion stuff he’s on about? Is he playing in the superbowl or something?[/quote]



You didnt hear???



He is the official DJ/ or whatever for the VMA’s on TV. But I dont blame you. If my soon to be ex wife wouldnt have mentioned it to me, I would have never known either.[/quote]



Nope I didn’t know that. To be honest I don’t think I’ve even seen the VMA’s before. I’ve certainly heard of them though.



1.2 billion people watch that? Crikey!



I will not be one of them… I’ll be in a bar, probably wondering where all the girls are.[/quote]



The mouse is exaggerating. I would put 5 million people on there tops. No one cares about award shows anymore anyways. Its become less about the award and more about the sideshows.



Ala Kanye!

I dont get it man infact it makes me kinda queasy … its age old tale of the boy done good and then finds that  the tourture of fame and fortune is just too much …

Just my humble opinion … but why doesnt he just squeak out the side entrance and go do some good with his money like build a well in africa …

he should stop being anattention seeker with his tales of whoa 

 id give my right arm to be in his position. check this out … i worked damn hard to buy some flats when things were good money wise ,in the last four months they have all been empty because we cant find people with either the right reference or they want to do housing benefit etc etc this means that me and the missus have had to stump up the cash for the morgatges well over 3  grand a month  …then this week  we got a call from a neighbour at 1 of the flats telling us that water was pissing down his walls from  our flat ,the main water feed poped  (we dont have internal cover for the flat as its empty )we had to find nearly a grand on the spot . now im off work at the moment coz of a stupid accident and my stat sick pay doesnt cover even a tiny percentage of what has to be paid out .

So if deadtwat cant handle his millions and the fame and fortune give it to me man ,this would mean i could actually eat something other than happy shopper / tesco blue stripe beans that taste of cardboard :smiley:

[quote]egg2 (04/09/2010)[hr]I dont get it man infact it makes me kinda queasy … its age old tale of the boy done good and then finds that the tourture of fame and fortune is just too much …



Just my humble opinion … but why doesnt he just squeak out the side entrance and go do some good with his money like build a well in africa …



he should stop being anattention seeker with his tales of whoa



id give my right arm to be in his position. check this out … i worked damn hard to buy some flats when things were good money wise ,in the last four monthsthey have all been empty because we cant find people with either the right reference or they want to do housing benefit etc etc this means that me and the missus have had to stump up the cash for the morgatges well over 3 grand a month …then this weekwe got a call from a neighbour at 1 of the flats telling us that water was pissing down his walls from our flat ,the main water feedpoped (we dont have internal cover for the flat as its empty )we had to find nearly a grand on the spot . now im off work at the moment coz of a stupid accident and my stat sick pay doesnt cover even a tiny percentage of what has to be paid out .



So if deadtwat cant handle his millions and the fame and fortune give it to me man ,this would mean i could actually eat something other than happy shopper / tesco blue stripe beans that taste of cardboard :D[/quote]



The word of the Lord…



Amen





:smiley:

[quote]egg2 (04/09/2010)[hr]I dont get it man infact it makes me kinda queasy … its age old tale of the boy done good and then finds that  the tourture of fame and fortune is just too much …

Just my humble opinion … but why doesnt he just squeak out the side entrance and go do some good with his money like build a well in africa …

he should stop being anattention seeker with his tales of whoa 

 id give my right arm to be in his position. check this out … i worked damn hard to buy some flats when things were good money wise ,in the last four months they have all been empty because we cant find people with either the right reference or they want to do housing benefit etc etc this means that me and the missus have had to stump up the cash for the morgatges well over 3  grand a month  …then this week  we got a call from a neighbour at 1 of the flats telling us that water was pissing down his walls from  our flat ,the main water feed poped  (we dont have internal cover for the flat as its empty )we had to find nearly a grand on the spot . now im off work at the moment coz of a stupid accident and my stat sick pay doesnt cover even a tiny percentage of what has to be paid out .

So if deadtwat cant handle his millions and the fame and fortune give it to me man ,this would mean i could actually eat something other than happy shopper / tesco blue stripe beans that taste of cardboard :D[/quote]

Sorry to hear all that Man… definitely puts things into perspective. Hope you manage to get some people soon. We did the same thing when times were good & have been lucky that we’ve found cool people. |Funny doing viewings… you get some right Zero’s dont ya?!

______________________________________________________________________

Anyone watching all that Traffiking / Prostitute stuff on CH4 last week.

Forced into being a Sex Slave… Essentially being raped up to 15 times a day. Give me the Mau5’s lifestyle any day of infinity.

To$$er.

[quote]bouffont (03/09/2010)[hr]What’s this 1.2 billion stuff he’s on about? Is he playing in the superbowl or something?[/quote]



Hes playin the VMA’s on sept 13th :open_mouth: