Not sure why but I had to manually edit the SoundCloud link you posted here to access your track there, even when logged in to SoundCloud ??
After finding your track, I also took a listen to the original in order to have a reference. The drums part & atmosphere layer in your version are nice, quite close to the original. Now when it comes to the melodic elements you've added, there's several issues in my opinion : choice of sound, melody and notes used and mixing them in with the drums.
Everything synth sounds very much upfront and in your face at the moment, I would suggest to use more effects like delays and reverb to make those melodic elements more interesting and blend them more with the drums.
Notes & melody gets a bit confusing in the breakdown as well because of the sound choice IMO, this atonal sounding piano for example would probably fit more into LoFi territory than in this kind of track.
For me personally, the original is somewhere in-between Minimal & RAW Techno, might not be the easiest start point to make something fitting more into Melodic Techno territory, but all depending on the sound you're aiming for of course, it's all very subjective when it comes to put music into sub-genres.
But yep, nice work with the techno drums & Atmo feel in this one, melody & synths needs to be re-worked & polished IMHO.