What do you call a black man that fly’s a plane?
A pilot you racist.
What do you call a midget with a javelin in his head?
… An ambulance you sicko
Q. What’s blue and fluffy
A. Pink fluff holding it’s breath
I hate those e-mails where they try to sell you penis enhancers. I got ten just the other day. Eight of them from my girlfriend. It’s the two from my mum that really hurt.
There were 3 men and they all died in a car crash and went to hell. When they got there the devil asked them all in turn a question.
To he first he said “what was your biggest sin on earth?” and the man replied “Oh man I just love alchol and being drunk man” so the devil showed the man to a room full of alchol of every type and description and he put the man inside and said “see you in 100 years” and locked the door.
To the second man he asked the same question and the man replied “oh man I just love to have sex with the ladies, I was really unfaithful to my wife man”. So the devil took the man and showed him to a room full of hundreds upon thousands of georgeous and beautiful naked women. The man ran inside and the devil said “see you in 100 years” and locked the door.
The third man’s answer to the question was “oh man I just LOVE weed! Im high all the time man and I can’t live without it!”. The devil showed the man to a room packed with the most amazing grade-A bud you’ve ever seen, stacked to the roof! The man went inside and the devil locked the door after saying “see you in 100 years”.
100 years later the devil came by to let the three men out. He opened the door to the first man’s room and found the man collapsed on the ground, passed out with empty bottles laying around him and puke all over him. He was a mess.
The devil opened the 2nd man’s door and the man came running out of the room and cried “IM GAY! IM GAY!”. Finally the devil came to the third man’s room and opened the door. Sitting in the middle of all the bud, in the exact same position the devil had left him in was the man. He looked up at the devil and with a single tear rolling down his cheek he asked ; "hey man, got a light?
Hello, is this the FBI?"
“Yes, what do you want?”
“I’m calling to report my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood.”
“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob’s house. They searchthe shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but found no marijuana, They swore at Billy Bob and left. The phone rings at Billy Bob’s house.
“Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?”
“Yeah!”
“Did they chop your firewood?”
“Yep.”
“Happy Birthday, Buddy!”
Why don’t cannibals eat clowns ?
Because they taste funny.
How do you get a goth out of a tree?
Cut the rope!
A man is driving happily along when he is pulled over by the police. The copper approaches him and politely asks, “Have you been drinking, sir?”
“Why?” snorts the man. “Is there a fat bird in my car?”
A scouse Maths teacher asks little Becky what comes after 69 She says, “a wet wipe & some mouth wash, Miss”
Truck driver sees a girl about to jump from a bridge so he stops. “what are you doing?” he says. “I’m trying to commit suicide.” “well before you jump give me a blow job,” the truckie says. So she does. After she’s finishedthe truckie says “Wow, that’s a wasted talent, why are you commiting suicide?” “Cause my parents …don’t like me dressing like a girl!”
What do you call a Lesbian with long fingernails?
Single.
What do fat birds and mopeds have in common?
They’re both fun to ride until your mates see you on one.
^^^^^^^^^^ LOL
The homeless problem would be solved if the Big Issue had tits in it.
Top Jokes of fringe 2010
- Tim Vine “I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.”
- David Gibson “I’m currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone.”
- Emo Philips “I picked up a hitch hiker. You’ve got to when you hit them.”
- Jack Whitehall “I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say ‘bought’, I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid.”
- Gary Delaney “As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.”
- John Bishop “Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day.”
- Bo Burnham “What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names.”
- Gary Delaney “Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it’s what he would have wanted.”
- Robert White “For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: Empty.”
- Gareth Richards "Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food. Or, if you can’t be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub…
A man walks into a tattoo shop and says “I want to get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on my d**k”. The tattoo artist asks the man, “why do you want to do that?” The man says,
well, there are 3 reasons…
1. I like to play with my money…
2. I like to watch my money grow…
and the 3rd and most important reason is that the next time my wife says she wants to blow one hundred dollars at the mall then I can tell her to blow it right here!
Lets bring this back!
Dont google Sikipedia.
NEVER ASSUME MEN UNDERSTAND: A wife had been in a coma for months and suddenly when the nurses were washing her private parts they noticed her heart monitor change. the nurse told the husband that a little oral sex might bring her round. They drew the curtains and when they returned the wife was dead. “what happened” asked the nurse “Think she choked” said the husband